Letting Go

I'm trying to figure out if I'm ready to let go. The last couple of days I really have felt that I am. I haven't engaged in any of my ED behaviors, I've been making a conscious effort to push aside negative and self-critical thoughts, and I've been so much happier. But at the same time it's like giving up the security blanket your grandma made for you when you were a baby - you know that you could live without it, but it's so much nicer to have it around just in case you need it. Today was one of those "just in case" days. Things seemed to be going well and then all of a sudden I was like, "man, I really need to binge right now." I hate that feeling. I never know quite what to do with it. I'm not going to binge right now, but it's taking a lot of effort to keep things in check. That said, I can't wait to really have let go of this, to get to the point where I don't feel like I need to binge because I have other coping mechanisms in place. Yeah. "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." I want to enjoy life and not just endure it.

This thing we call "normal"...

I love how we spend so much of our time in recovery trying to become "normal." But what is normal really? Sometimes I feel like it's this ideal or impossible standard we're trying to achieve - to never have negative thoughts, to never make mistakes or slip up, to never eat too much or eat too little. Sounds a little too much like being perfect to me. I think part of being normal is accepting that there are going to be moments when you feel ugly or stupid or days when you don't eat as healthily as you should, but at the same time not letting those moments take over your life and become an obsession. Maybe a better way to look at "normal" is to think of it as what makes you happy and what makes you feel fulfilled. Maybe that means having dessert when you want to have dessert. Maybe that means looking in the mirror, thinking "wow, I'm unattractive today" but then putting on your favorite pair of jeans and strutting your stuff, maybe that means going on a walk with a friend to get some fresh air. I know I'll never be perfect in this life, so for now I'm just going to shoot for "normal" - for "happy and fulfilled."

Mission Accomplished

I did it. I thought positively all day (or at least for the majority of the day). Having to consciously push aside bad thoughts made me realize that I spend WAY too much time comparing myself to others and obsessing and being anxious. Life isn't supposed to be miserable all the time, "men [and women, might I add] are that they might have joy." It was so much easier to be in a better mood and be happier about myself when I was constantly reassuring myself that "it doesn't matter what everybody else looks like," "it's just food" (which isn't as easy to believe as people without EDs might think), and "people care about you but they don't care about what you're eating." My ultimate test was to buy myself a milkshake at the end of the day. I love milkshakes, but I hate buying them because I get so nervous and I feel like the whole world is watching. It took me three attempts of going into the store to be successful. The first two I tried on my own and I would get in the store and see how many people where in there getting food and then I'd get all panicky and have to leave. Finally, I texted one of my friends and was just like, "I need to buy a milkshake and I can't do it by myself." My is fantastic, so of course she came along and was so proud that I was able to do it. And so was I :) It was nice to enjoy a milkshake without beating myself up about it.

To end I just want to let everyone know that group therapy is wonderful. Three new girls joined my group today and it was just so positive and reaffirming and motivational. It's so therapeutic to share things with people who understand how your brain is working, who understand your obsessions, and who are feeling similar things to you. I know sometimes group will be a downer - it just depends on what kind of a day everyone is having - or I won't be able to relate to what someone has said, but just going there and sharing what I'm going through is a big step in itself, and something to be proud of.

Progress Report

The day is 3/4 over and I've realized it's a lot harder to love myself than I thought. But I'm still trying! The worst has been not comparing myself to others. I do that way too often, I've discovered. It helps to just look at something else and tell myself, "You know what? You're not that person. So it doesn't matter what they look like." If I could, I challenge everyone - not just people with EDs - to try respecting and loving themselves for a day. It really does wonders for one's mood :)

This doesn't particularly relate to respect, but its an interesting quote from a scene I'm working on in acting class. Take it how you will:

"I don't like myself as I am, I suppose, so I've had to invent another person. It's not so harmful, really [MY INTERJECTION: FALSE!!]. We've all got daydreams. Mine have gone a step further than most people's - that's all. Quite often I've even managed to believe in [the facade] myself."

Hmm...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T :)

Today I am going to respect my body.

I am going to eat when my body tells me it is hungry, and stop when it tells me I am full.

I am going to avoid the nutrition section of the library with all of it's diet books.

I am going avoid the building with all the windows and reflective surfaces.

I will not stand in front of the mirror picking out all the places I think are "fat."

I will not compare the way I look with others.

I will enjoy wearing my favorite jeans and not convince myself that they are unflattering.

I will not worry about what other people are eating.

I will not worry that other people are watching what I eat.

I am going to turn off the megaphone of negativity inside my head.

I am not going to watch triggering videos on youtube or read triggering articles online.

If I feel like I need to talk with someone, I will talk with someone.

I am going to love myself just the way I am, just for today.

(P.S. Not sure what the picture has to do with this post, but it brings back happy memories.)

Honesty is the Best Policy

Okay, I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but it's true. A huge part of EDs seems to be keeping everything secret and that really doesn't do anything to help. In fact, it usually just makes things worse. I know for me, I just let all my thoughts bubble and simmer and build inside my brain until I can't take it anymore. Which, of course, is very unhealthy. You teach yourself that it's not okay to tell others how you feel, to "vent," to need other people that maybe don't need you in the same way. Which is a bad way to be thinking. I've started to realize (although I sometimes don't believe it myself) that other people like to feel needed. They like to feel like you trust them. And when you're honest with them although it may not seem like it'll make a difference in their life, it does. I know it's one thing to talk about how great honesty is and another thing to act on the knowledge, but part of getting over an ED is coming to terms with not keeping everything to yourself. Yes, I went to my counselor today and I talked honestly and openly for the first time. Yes, it was hard, but it felt amazing to get all the crap (or at least a lot of it) out of my head, even if only temporarily.

An unwelcome surprise

I just realized what a scary thing a relapse (or being on the verge of one) can be. You think you're over something, or you know you're not but you think I can at least hold back that part of you, and then all of a sudden it's like, "SURPRISE! I'm baaaack!" That was just an epiphany I had. Well, maybe not an epiphany since it's something most people realize.