Letting Go

I'm trying to figure out if I'm ready to let go. The last couple of days I really have felt that I am. I haven't engaged in any of my ED behaviors, I've been making a conscious effort to push aside negative and self-critical thoughts, and I've been so much happier. But at the same time it's like giving up the security blanket your grandma made for you when you were a baby - you know that you could live without it, but it's so much nicer to have it around just in case you need it. Today was one of those "just in case" days. Things seemed to be going well and then all of a sudden I was like, "man, I really need to binge right now." I hate that feeling. I never know quite what to do with it. I'm not going to binge right now, but it's taking a lot of effort to keep things in check. That said, I can't wait to really have let go of this, to get to the point where I don't feel like I need to binge because I have other coping mechanisms in place. Yeah. "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." I want to enjoy life and not just endure it.

This thing we call "normal"...

I love how we spend so much of our time in recovery trying to become "normal." But what is normal really? Sometimes I feel like it's this ideal or impossible standard we're trying to achieve - to never have negative thoughts, to never make mistakes or slip up, to never eat too much or eat too little. Sounds a little too much like being perfect to me. I think part of being normal is accepting that there are going to be moments when you feel ugly or stupid or days when you don't eat as healthily as you should, but at the same time not letting those moments take over your life and become an obsession. Maybe a better way to look at "normal" is to think of it as what makes you happy and what makes you feel fulfilled. Maybe that means having dessert when you want to have dessert. Maybe that means looking in the mirror, thinking "wow, I'm unattractive today" but then putting on your favorite pair of jeans and strutting your stuff, maybe that means going on a walk with a friend to get some fresh air. I know I'll never be perfect in this life, so for now I'm just going to shoot for "normal" - for "happy and fulfilled."

Mission Accomplished

I did it. I thought positively all day (or at least for the majority of the day). Having to consciously push aside bad thoughts made me realize that I spend WAY too much time comparing myself to others and obsessing and being anxious. Life isn't supposed to be miserable all the time, "men [and women, might I add] are that they might have joy." It was so much easier to be in a better mood and be happier about myself when I was constantly reassuring myself that "it doesn't matter what everybody else looks like," "it's just food" (which isn't as easy to believe as people without EDs might think), and "people care about you but they don't care about what you're eating." My ultimate test was to buy myself a milkshake at the end of the day. I love milkshakes, but I hate buying them because I get so nervous and I feel like the whole world is watching. It took me three attempts of going into the store to be successful. The first two I tried on my own and I would get in the store and see how many people where in there getting food and then I'd get all panicky and have to leave. Finally, I texted one of my friends and was just like, "I need to buy a milkshake and I can't do it by myself." My is fantastic, so of course she came along and was so proud that I was able to do it. And so was I :) It was nice to enjoy a milkshake without beating myself up about it.

To end I just want to let everyone know that group therapy is wonderful. Three new girls joined my group today and it was just so positive and reaffirming and motivational. It's so therapeutic to share things with people who understand how your brain is working, who understand your obsessions, and who are feeling similar things to you. I know sometimes group will be a downer - it just depends on what kind of a day everyone is having - or I won't be able to relate to what someone has said, but just going there and sharing what I'm going through is a big step in itself, and something to be proud of.

Progress Report

The day is 3/4 over and I've realized it's a lot harder to love myself than I thought. But I'm still trying! The worst has been not comparing myself to others. I do that way too often, I've discovered. It helps to just look at something else and tell myself, "You know what? You're not that person. So it doesn't matter what they look like." If I could, I challenge everyone - not just people with EDs - to try respecting and loving themselves for a day. It really does wonders for one's mood :)

This doesn't particularly relate to respect, but its an interesting quote from a scene I'm working on in acting class. Take it how you will:

"I don't like myself as I am, I suppose, so I've had to invent another person. It's not so harmful, really [MY INTERJECTION: FALSE!!]. We've all got daydreams. Mine have gone a step further than most people's - that's all. Quite often I've even managed to believe in [the facade] myself."

Hmm...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T :)

Today I am going to respect my body.

I am going to eat when my body tells me it is hungry, and stop when it tells me I am full.

I am going to avoid the nutrition section of the library with all of it's diet books.

I am going avoid the building with all the windows and reflective surfaces.

I will not stand in front of the mirror picking out all the places I think are "fat."

I will not compare the way I look with others.

I will enjoy wearing my favorite jeans and not convince myself that they are unflattering.

I will not worry about what other people are eating.

I will not worry that other people are watching what I eat.

I am going to turn off the megaphone of negativity inside my head.

I am not going to watch triggering videos on youtube or read triggering articles online.

If I feel like I need to talk with someone, I will talk with someone.

I am going to love myself just the way I am, just for today.

(P.S. Not sure what the picture has to do with this post, but it brings back happy memories.)

Honesty is the Best Policy

Okay, I know it sounds incredibly cliche, but it's true. A huge part of EDs seems to be keeping everything secret and that really doesn't do anything to help. In fact, it usually just makes things worse. I know for me, I just let all my thoughts bubble and simmer and build inside my brain until I can't take it anymore. Which, of course, is very unhealthy. You teach yourself that it's not okay to tell others how you feel, to "vent," to need other people that maybe don't need you in the same way. Which is a bad way to be thinking. I've started to realize (although I sometimes don't believe it myself) that other people like to feel needed. They like to feel like you trust them. And when you're honest with them although it may not seem like it'll make a difference in their life, it does. I know it's one thing to talk about how great honesty is and another thing to act on the knowledge, but part of getting over an ED is coming to terms with not keeping everything to yourself. Yes, I went to my counselor today and I talked honestly and openly for the first time. Yes, it was hard, but it felt amazing to get all the crap (or at least a lot of it) out of my head, even if only temporarily.

An unwelcome surprise

I just realized what a scary thing a relapse (or being on the verge of one) can be. You think you're over something, or you know you're not but you think I can at least hold back that part of you, and then all of a sudden it's like, "SURPRISE! I'm baaaack!" That was just an epiphany I had. Well, maybe not an epiphany since it's something most people realize.

This weekend I was about a hair's-width away from a relapse of anorexia. Weird, I know, since I've been struggling with BED for the last three years. I think there were just too many triggers and I didn't know how to deal with them except do what I did the last time (restrict, exercise, obsess, etc.). Anyways, I got to Saturday night I just couldn't take it anymore. Too many opposing voices in my head. I was about to just go to bed when I was like, "I haven't really prayed in so long." Explanation: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and communicating with God (our Heavenly Father) is a big part of my beliefs. I'm still at the point in my recovery where I don't always like to open up to people about what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. But I know my Heavenly Father always has time and a desire to listen to me (sorry, this is not intended to turn into a religious lecture... just sharing my thoughts). So I knelt down and prayed and cried (which I almost never do) and talked and really poured my heart out. I had completely forgotten how good it felt to converse with my Father in Heaven. For the first time in many nights I was able to fall asleep easily with a peaceful heart and a relaxed mind. I'm thinking I should pray like this more often.

How has religion helped/hindered your recovery? Does religion play any role in your life? (I'm following in the footsteps of the blog ED Bites in leaving a question at the end of my post :)

To buy or not to buy? That is the question.

Okay. So the last couple of days have been kind of weird, because all of a sudden I'm not afraid of buying food (I know buying food would seem like a weird anxiety for someone with BED, but it's my anorexic brain kicking in). I usually end up on the verge of a panic attack when I go to buy groceries. It once took me three days to get up the guts to go buy this cinnamon roll that I REALLY wanted from a certain bakery. That's how nervous I get. But today I went to get frozen yogurt with some friends and after I got home I realized I only spent about 2 seconds being afraid of having to purchase something like frozen yogurt. I'm legitimately proud of myself :) To all you other people out there who I know share my same fears, it can be done. I believe in you! Wow, I'm a crummy blogger...

Things I forgot to mention

1. Before I had BED I was anorexic.

2. I don't do short-sleeves unless it's a REALLY good day.

3. I don't ever wear shorts or skirts above the knee.

4. If I could only live off one food forever it would be my mom's apple pie.

5. My favorite colors are emerald green, royal purple, and tiffany blue. And teal.

6. I have a love affair with Converse (I currently own 5 pairs).

First post...

So I had a million things running through my mind the other day. And here there are:

"So I made it to about 6:10 today before I started feeling anxious - not just pre-show anxious, binge anxious. That "I-don't-know-what's-going-on-emotionally-therefore-I-need-to-stuff-my-face-or-talk-to-somebody" anxiety. But of course I don't have time to do either because the show is starting in an hour and I have to get ready. And even if I wanted to talk (or had time) my roommate is out of town, my best guy friend in whom I usually confide has a girlfriend (and I don't overstep boundaries), my best friend in the show doesn't know I have an ED, and group was cancelled today. And I was 'wondering' why I was feeling anxious. I hate how an ED can take you by surprise even when you're having a perfectly fine day."

So if you didn't get it, I have an eating disorder (an ED). More specifically binge eating disorder (BED) but I'm in the process of facing it and getting over it (hence the reference to group, aka group therapy). For me, this blog is a sounding board, an opportunity to get throughts out of my head, and a place for me to pretend like people are actually going to want to read about my life and my struggles and my triumphs (and hey, maybe people will...). Enjoy! Oh, and I'm a theatre major and I'm in a play right now (aka "the show"). And I love using parentheses.