This weekend I was about a hair's-width away from a relapse of anorexia. Weird, I know, since I've been struggling with BED for the last three years. I think there were just too many triggers and I didn't know how to deal with them except do what I did the last time (restrict, exercise, obsess, etc.). Anyways, I got to Saturday night I just couldn't take it anymore. Too many opposing voices in my head. I was about to just go to bed when I was like, "I haven't really prayed in so long." Explanation: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and communicating with God (our Heavenly Father) is a big part of my beliefs. I'm still at the point in my recovery where I don't always like to open up to people about what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. But I know my Heavenly Father always has time and a desire to listen to me (sorry, this is not intended to turn into a religious lecture... just sharing my thoughts). So I knelt down and prayed and cried (which I almost never do) and talked and really poured my heart out. I had completely forgotten how good it felt to converse with my Father in Heaven. For the first time in many nights I was able to fall asleep easily with a peaceful heart and a relaxed mind. I'm thinking I should pray like this more often.

How has religion helped/hindered your recovery? Does religion play any role in your life? (I'm following in the footsteps of the blog ED Bites in leaving a question at the end of my post :)

To buy or not to buy? That is the question.

Okay. So the last couple of days have been kind of weird, because all of a sudden I'm not afraid of buying food (I know buying food would seem like a weird anxiety for someone with BED, but it's my anorexic brain kicking in). I usually end up on the verge of a panic attack when I go to buy groceries. It once took me three days to get up the guts to go buy this cinnamon roll that I REALLY wanted from a certain bakery. That's how nervous I get. But today I went to get frozen yogurt with some friends and after I got home I realized I only spent about 2 seconds being afraid of having to purchase something like frozen yogurt. I'm legitimately proud of myself :) To all you other people out there who I know share my same fears, it can be done. I believe in you! Wow, I'm a crummy blogger...

Things I forgot to mention

1. Before I had BED I was anorexic.

2. I don't do short-sleeves unless it's a REALLY good day.

3. I don't ever wear shorts or skirts above the knee.

4. If I could only live off one food forever it would be my mom's apple pie.

5. My favorite colors are emerald green, royal purple, and tiffany blue. And teal.

6. I have a love affair with Converse (I currently own 5 pairs).

First post...

So I had a million things running through my mind the other day. And here there are:

"So I made it to about 6:10 today before I started feeling anxious - not just pre-show anxious, binge anxious. That "I-don't-know-what's-going-on-emotionally-therefore-I-need-to-stuff-my-face-or-talk-to-somebody" anxiety. But of course I don't have time to do either because the show is starting in an hour and I have to get ready. And even if I wanted to talk (or had time) my roommate is out of town, my best guy friend in whom I usually confide has a girlfriend (and I don't overstep boundaries), my best friend in the show doesn't know I have an ED, and group was cancelled today. And I was 'wondering' why I was feeling anxious. I hate how an ED can take you by surprise even when you're having a perfectly fine day."

So if you didn't get it, I have an eating disorder (an ED). More specifically binge eating disorder (BED) but I'm in the process of facing it and getting over it (hence the reference to group, aka group therapy). For me, this blog is a sounding board, an opportunity to get throughts out of my head, and a place for me to pretend like people are actually going to want to read about my life and my struggles and my triumphs (and hey, maybe people will...). Enjoy! Oh, and I'm a theatre major and I'm in a play right now (aka "the show"). And I love using parentheses.